Shoutout to @allysphotos for the Image sourced from Unsplash.com
A few months ago, I was bitten by a “why didn’t I study psychology in college” bug. Instigated by a baggage of employment-safe life decisions, a newfound empowerment due to ageing, and the onset of a mid-life crisis, I ended up enrolling myself in an MA Psychology program. Like most of my pursuits, it began with an enthusiasm fuelled by life-changing aspirations and visionary achievements to follow, only to shrink into a questionable choice once again. Last month, while taking the last exam, I felt pointless, as I wrote a three-hour exam in precisely ninety minutes because the examiner would not let me go before that time. While I sat for only half the time, I filled all the sheets, as the front page of the answer booklet stated that no extra sheets would be provided. I am sure the evaluators made this life-saving decision to spare themselves the agony of reading baseless ranting and ChatGPT-ed versions of psychological theories. However, my tryst with the examination system that I had escaped long ago broke my heart once again as I lamented its design and purpose.
While I could not come to terms with traditional evaluation methodology, I benefited from my endeavour to study in a teeny-tiny way. I indulged in some reading to sit through the exams and, in the process, found a few amazing concepts in psychological science. As I related to these concepts, it answered some of my own concerns about life and about happiness. In this blog, I share those ideas. But I do not indulge in definitions or names, for it's only through such meek revolts that I can seek some revenge from the examination system. Ultimately, philosophies and stories often outlive the names that the system forces us to remember.
We Don’t Just Look Different, We Are Different
An exposure to psychology explained to me that our personalities are unique. We don’t just look different; we are different internally, too. While some of us are energized at parties, others feel exhausted. While some of us display slow, measured responses, others are impulsive in decision-making. While some of us take time to process every emotion, others do not overthink. Our personalities are like potions, with different ingredients mixed in varying proportions. It is, therefore, no feat to work or live together. While we have an intense desire to belong to others, it is equally challenging to relate to others, and more so for some of us than others.
Why Do We Feel The Way We Do
While reading the psychology literature, it became evident that mental health is nuanced. In some cases, our genes may be carriers of mental health conditions, while in other cases, our life experiences may be the underlying factor. Thus, the cause may be environmental, such as a traumatic childhood experience that affects the stress response in adulthood, or biological. I came across the case study of Phineas Gage, whose personality changed completely after an iron rod damaged his brain, thereby explaining that parts of the brain control personality, and psychological experiences arise from brain structures. It is, therefore, critical to identify the underlying causes and mechanisms of mental health issues, and additionally distinguish a condition from a disorder and a disease. While a condition is circumstantial, a disorder indicates an imbalance, and a disease has a clear pathological cause to be treated.
Happiness comes with a Glass Ceiling
A fascinating and valuable theory I came across is set-point theory, which explains that every individual tends to have a set level of happiness. Those who are sad or complain tend to do so regardless of changes in their lives. While celebrations, holidays, and significant life events temporarily affect their energy and happiness, they eventually return to their baseline levels. The level may change, but it is hard work. I have often observed the practice of glorifying struggle, especially among those of us in our late 30s and 40s. We take immense pride in being constantly tired and busy. Set-point theory explains this behavior. It's also relieving to understand that ultimately, no matter what one does for others, they may reach their set points.
What Grief Feels Like
Another discovery that generates hope is the theory of grief. Our response to significant losses is grief, which is a journey comprising five stages. To begin with, one denies. With time, anger replaces denial. Then, anger gives way to bargaining, with a desperate plea to return to the past. Then comes depression, creating a valley to process the pain, and ultimately, there is acceptance. The idea that acceptance must be achieved instantly is unrealistic. After each stage, one comes closer to the set-point level of happiness.
What Happiness Really Means
Finally, the most interesting idea that I encountered was about defining happiness. While happiness is generally seen as the presence of laughter, it may be technically defined as the absence of inner conflict. Joy is in moments; what sustains is peace. The idea of being incessantly joyful is technically flawed and unnatural. Happiness, therefore, is peace that comes with well-being and occasional joyous moments.
As I was growing up, my dreams were about life goals and about being unique. I encountered, through psychology, that these are my worldview’s fallacies - the arrival and the uniqueness fallacy. As per the former, the belief that achieving academic, career, or personal goals is the purpose of life is a false notion. One may try, but one will never “arrive” in life. I read about Olympic medalists sinking into depression after winning, and prominent leaders experiencing a deep sense of personal loss after completing their tenure. The latter concerns the false conditioning of people to believe they are the centre of the world. When they play ‘the movie’ in their head, they must be the lead actor bringing value to others’ lives, all the time.
In my life, such beliefs about pursuing grand goals and being unique, accentuated by the movies and stories of our times, created a bubble around me; one that exerted immense pressure to prove myself, sustain the tag, and continue nurturing the fallacies. It did more harm than good. As I approach forty, the bubble has burst. Psychological science has given me hope and perspective. The uniqueness myth to me is now a mere social construct - an extremely ego-satisfying one, and the journey makes more sense than the destination. I now understand entirely why Guru Dutt Sahab wrote, “yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaye to kya hai!” (What is the world worth, even if one were to win it all!)
When I observe youngsters around me, overwhelmed by similar notions and fallacies about goals, success, and happiness, I empathize. I don’t know if their bubble must burst, or when it will burst them, but it's incredible to be on the other side of the table. Psychology has not yet answered all my questions. But it has empowered me to understand my reactions, accept others, pursue peace over happiness, enjoy the journey, and be ordinary. And that, my dear friends, has been liberating!
